


For you, For me

by Tiny_Spirit, YeahMeRule



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Adorable, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Library, Angst, Antonio Fernández Carriedo - Freeform, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, Awkwardness, Dorks in Love, Drunken Mistakes, Librarian Spain, Love Confessions, Lovino Vargas - Freeform, M/M, Self-Doubt, Slow Build, court interpreter South Italy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-24 11:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8371156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiny_Spirit/pseuds/Tiny_Spirit, https://archiveofourown.org/users/YeahMeRule/pseuds/YeahMeRule
Summary: The story of the librarian Antonio whom falls head over heels for the cold, distant Lovino. Misunderstandings make their future uncertain as Lovino has to learn that life is not as easy as it is to read a book. What will it take for the two of them to realise what they could have?





	1. Nine Weeks Left

**Author's Note:**

> This story is written by two authors so if the writing styles differ from chapter to chapter, you know why!  
> Every second chapter is written by YMR as Antonio, and the others T_S as Lovino.  
> Please leave feedback!~

** Antonio's POV **

Another peaceful day. It was one of those afternoons where the library was completely silent except for the soft sound of rain against the windows, and the occasional turning of a paper. These kind of days might be peaceful, but to Antonio they were quite dull. Usually he would spend his working hours walking between the shelves and watching those whom were visiting. Since the library was big with a convenient café inside, a lot of students spent their time there studying, and in such ways he saw a lot of different types of people. Everything from a stressed student, to one that had a day off and had decided to relax, all kinds of youths found their own enjoyment in the building. Antonio himself enjoyed to think of how these students’ lives were outside the library, how their day had been before they entered the stillness. Since he was a social person, the usual silence never truly appealed to him and instead made him feel restless. Yet, no matter how restless he might feel on a day like this, he knew that he needed this job if he were to survive. With this in thought, he kept the small smile playing so gently on his lips as he walked around.

Suddenly, he saw a familiar man standing by one of the bookshelves. The brown-haired youth took out a book from the shelf, and a pair of hazel eyes looked down on the cover with a soft frown upon his forehead. Antonio’s heart skipped a beat as it always did whenever he saw the beautiful profile. The reason he recognised this male was not because he had talked to him, but only because he found himself watching him whenever he was there. For an unknown reason the pretty man visited the library frequently, and Antonio had been dying to speak to him since the first time he saw him. There was something about those thoughtful eyes, and his bouncy brown hair that appealed to something deep within him. Perhaps it was the coldness and distant aura which surrounded him that made Antonio curious to what was hiding beneath the surface. Why he had not approached him was for the fact that he had always been looked down upon because of his sexuality. Many that he had been interested in, and even flirted with, turned their backs to him with a disgusted glare. One could only handle such a hurtful act a few times before one got wary of every situation. Nonetheless, how could he ever know that it wouldn’t work out if he never tried?

Gathering up the strength, he decided to take a step forwards despite his experiences with similar situations before, and approached the man. Antonio felt his heart hammering widely as he was so nervous that he was making a mistake approaching this man. No matter how social he was or how much he wished for more, he was still so awfully nervous. He was just about to open his mouth to say hi as his foot hit the corner of a shelf that he had not noticed, and before he could react he was falling to the floor. Shocked he could do nothing but let himself plummet down until suddenly he felt a pair of arms hindering his embarrassing fall. A splash of warm liquid struck his clothes, and he looked around wildly to see whom had saved him. As his eyes turned upwards, still wide in shock and in confusion, he felt his heart stop. The eyes above him were hazel brown.  
“I-I’m sorry!” Antonio stuttered and quickly gained back his balance with the stranger’s help, an embarrassed flush upon his cheeks, “I am so terribly sorry!”  
To his own even greater embarrassment, he noticed that the liquid he had felt was nothing else but coffee, and that it was all over the two of them. What he had not noticed earlier was that the stranger had been holding a cup as he was reading the back of the book, and now when Antonio came tumbling, he spilled. Of all the things he could have done, he had fallen and completely ruined the introduction he had been planning for so long. His heart was now hammering widely, and he felt his hands growing sweatier in nervousness.

“Be more careful!” the voice was that answered him was rough, but despite that Antonio could not help but find it beautiful in its own unique way, “I got coffee all over me now! Fuck!”

Guilt washed over Antonio as the cold voice made his heart hammer even heavier, and without thinking he grasped the stranger’s wrist. From where this burst of actions came from, he did not know but he quickly dragged the stranger off to the café. In panic he could think of nothing else but somehow fixing the mistake he had made. Without waiting any further, he took some paper from the dispenser and started to dry off the coffee that still dripped from the other all the while his heart hammered.  
“I am so sorry!” was all he could say as the embarrassed blush still burned furiously on his cheeks and his eyes showed his regret clearly, “I will repay you somehow! I promise! My name is Antonio, and you can complain about me to my boss all you want to! Please forgive me! But also please don’t be too rough ‘cuz I really need this job!”  
While he was blabbering like a fool, too nervous to consider what he actually said, the stranger gently pushed Antonio away. “Stop apologising!” the tenseness in the stranger’s voice was clear even to the oblivious Spaniard whom stood dumfounded with the tissues still in his hands “You are as equally drenched as I am… No harm done, so just please back off—“

At those words Antonio took a step back, surprised. For an unknown reason he couldn’t help but notice that the stranger wore a slight blush beneath the bewildered expression. For a second it amused him and again he smiled, but the smile quickly vanished as he remembered the situation at hand. How could he have let himself be clumsy again? Somehow he wanted to make amends as he was scared to never see the beautiful face ever again. Despite the fact that he had never spoken to him before, he couldn’t help himself from wanting to fix it all, or to at least befriend the other.

“Still!” he kept pushing in his desire to fix everything, and he tried to show in the depth of his eyes how much he truly regretted his actions, “I can’t let you walk away like this! That would be against my heart! I need to repay you! I can—I can buy you lunch!”

Without realising it, Antonio had found himself asking for a lunch. Once he grasped the true meaning behind his suggestion, he also understood that no one would say yes to a stranger whom just ruined your clothes. How could he find something they had in common so that the other felt that he could eat lunch with him? Quickly he continued to speak as he glanced on the book that the other had taken from the shelf and that he still held in his hand. 1984 stood across the cover in red, and he recognised it immediately. “As to repay for the cup of coffee wasted, your shirt, and to restore my honour, I’ll buy you lunch! We can discuss the book you’ve got there! I’ve read it and I truly recommend it”  
The stranger seemed hesitant about the suggestion, and for a moment it seemed as if he would deny it. For a while the two of them just stood in silence. Antonio’s heart kept hammering wilder than it had for years, and he felt as if he could not breathe. Who would ever accept such an odd request? The longer they stood without anything said, the more he felt his heart grow heavier. It was an insane suggestion that no one would take. “Fine!” the stranger said suddenly, his voice rough, and a flush of relief washed over Antonio by just that mere word as he could not believe what he had just heard.

“Muchos gracias! Thank you very much!” Antonio continued before he could be rejected, and he smiled now at last as he felt his whole being lifting into a wonderful joy, “What about Friday? At twelve? I end job at that time so we could meet here!”

For a moment, those beautiful hazel eyes were locked with his own. His heart kept hammering widely by just standing there, and to his own relief the other soon nodded. A look of annoyance was upon that face, but Antonio decided to look past that. After all, he had somehow managed to ask the other out even though he had messed up so badly. Perhaps, the whole situation had not been that bad after all?

“If nothing unexpected happens, I suppose I can do that…” the slight mumble made Antonio so incredibly happy that he quickly extended his hand to the other, a smile now wide upon his lips. Heartbeats echoed in his head as he opened his mouth to speak, seeing how the other’s eyes turned from bothered to confused. Yet, he was unable to hold himself back anymore as he felt his chest as warm and bright as the sun.

“I’m Antonio! I know I already said that but—“ he scratched the back of his head awkwardly with his other hand and before he knew it, a much softer, colder hand grasped his extended hand. The feeling surprised him at first since he had never expected his hand to be taken, but now when he felt the gentle skin against his own, he was mesmerised once more. Slowly they shook hands, and their eyes met once more. Antonio’s own green, happy eyes meeting the pair of insecure hazel ones.

 

“I’m Lovino”


	2. Eight and a Half Weeks Left

** Lovino's POV **

_”_ _I’m Lovino.”_

After he had left the library that day he played the scene over and over again, but despite that he still had a hard time to grasp the situation. Everything that had occurred had gone so fast. One moment he was casually walking between the shelves with a cup in his hands in search for something interesting to read. In the next he had a stranger in his arms and coffee all over his shirt. And somewhere between that and leaving he had agreed to letting that stranger treat him to lunch.

Now the Italian was sitting on a small bench outside the same building waiting for Antonio. It was rather cold, and since Lovino was in a bad mood from the beginning, it didn’t help that Antonio was running late.

Trying to warm his hands he rubbed them against each other and not for the first time he started wondering what he was doing there. Lovino had made it a rule to himself to keep any relationship professional. A student is just a student, the mailman only delivers his mail, and this librarian Antonio is just a librarian, whom of course happened to be a real klutz and dirty one of his favourite shirts. It was not like everyone was just 2D objects in Lovino’s 3D world, because he was well aware that everyone had their own stories. It was more like he didn’t care about those stories, because he didn’t have a part in them and didn’t even want to have.

After, for whatever idiotic reason, he had allowed himself to be treated for lunch, he had also promised himself that after this he wouldn’t talk to this librarian any more. Of course he wouldn’t. When this was over Antonio would have repaid him for bedraggling his shirt. That left Lovino with no reason whatsoever to talk to him ever again.

“Hola, Lovino~” The Italian hadn’t noticed that the librarian had arrived, but looking up at him he could see that he was waving while wearing an apologetic and softly excited smile. When they made eye contact, Lovino could swear that the tanned male smiled even brighter. “I’m sorry for being late! Have you been waiting long?”

Lovino could hear the nervousness in Antonio’s voice even if it was well hidden, and as irritated as Lovino was for the moment, he was tempted to say something to discourage him even more. The only thing stopping him was the fact that his stomach had started to hurt slightly, and that most likely because he hadn’t been able to eat a proper breakfast. This meant that he didn’t want to risk his lunch being moved to a later time. “No, not really.” With a light shrug, he put his frozen hands in his pockets and then with a sigh he stood up as he approached the brown messy haired male.

“I’m still sorry! Anyways~ I know this place that serves-…” Lovino turned away without letting the other finish and as the Italian was about to start walking, he heard how Antonio ran up to stand beside him. “I don’t really care where we go. Show the way.” Lovino stated when he saw how Antonio looked at him mildly confused. “A-ah… Okay!” was the only reply he got from the other.

They walked in silence. It was not far according to the Spaniard, and Lovino whom had spent the whole way thinking about Antonio couldn’t help but continue. Who was he? Why did he seem excited to meet Lovino? The Italian had never heard of an employee offering to treat someone to lunch when they made a mistake. He also wondered what Antonio thought of Lovino himself, which probably was the most surprising to him because to the Italian it really didn’t matter what kind of impression he gave.

Walking inside a small café the first thing that hit Lovino was the scent of coffee. It made him feel more relaxed than he had done for several hours. But almost as fast as they walked inside, Lovino was led deeper inside by Antonio until they arrived at a table with two cosy armchairs cramped between two bookshelves.

“Tada~ Toni's hiding spot! ~” Lovino saw how Antonio smiled proudly when he showed the place for him. Antonio then threw his jacket over one of the chairs and Lovino did the same although hanging it with a little more care. “Toni? Is that your nickname?” It was more a statement than a question. Lovino himself had never gotten a proper nickname. Only his brother going around calling him 'fratello' which didn't count at all. But he had never called someone else with a nickname, so it was not like he cared.

“Eyup! ~ Do you have a nickname?” Lovino was caught off-guard by the question and Antonio answered himself before Lovino could. “I’ll call you Lovi! ~”

“O-Oi!” No matter how much he tried to suppress it, a slight blush appeared on his cheeks and at the same time a weird feeling also appeared in his stomach, which he afterwards would blame on hunger. “Who the fuck gave you permission to…! - Whatever…” Crossing his arms he looked at the floor flustered with his heart beating faster than usual. Lovino was not used to have someone trying to become close to him like Antonio. Most people would get the hint when he never broke away from his cold façade and leave him alone. Frustration over being so easily shaken he sat down on one of the chairs. “Hmp… You order. I’ll take whatever you recommend.”

“I could recommend their vegetarian paella! Their tomatoes are the best! A-also it's so fresh and a perfect lunch! ~” Lovino listened to Antonio speaking excitedly but he didn’t dare look at him. Instead he just nodded and made a quick motion to tell him to order. As fast as Antonio disappeared from his view Lovino took a deep breath and when he came back the Italian looked like nothing had happened. He followed Antonio’s every moment as he sat down in the other chair.

As silence settled between them, Lovino wondered if he should try and ask a question. Antonio quickly did it for him. “So~ Did you read the book?”

The first two nights after meeting with Antonio Lovino had spent alone reading in silence with a cup of coffee as his only company, which in his opinion was one of the best type of companies. Never asked any stupid questions, and it warmed him even in the coldest of nights. “Sí, it was interesting.” He ended up muttering slightly.

“Right!~ I think it's a beautiful story about forbidden love! Through all odds the main characters fight for each other~ It's almost like a modern Romeo and Juliet!” Antonio replied innocently, the smile still wide on his cheeks.

Lovino watched how excitement filled the other's eyes and voice as he spoke but Lovino himself just felt more confused the more he listened. “Did you... Did you even finish it?” He asked while raising an eyebrow. When he saw the same confusion he felt reflected in Antonio as the other scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment, Lovino couldn’t help but to let out a deep sigh. “I would say that this book is supposed to be a kind of warning. That this is the dangers of totalitarianism and a totalitarian government. The party uses both psychological manipulation and physical control to gain total and unquestionable power.”

When looking at Antonio he couldn’t find any better word to describe him with than a big clueless question mark. Looking almost helpless. “You... You are a librarian for fucks sake!” The Italian could almost see how part of the enthusiasm from just a moment ago faded away from Antonio's eyes and Lovino found himself feeling just a little guilty over it. Seeing the light in those eyes fade made the pain in his stomach increase even further than before. Why did it hurt so much to see Antonio like that?

“I... Uhm... Shit. Why don't you try to read the book again and I'll try to help you understand it so you can finish it? So you can do your job properly! Capisci?” After Lovino finished speaking, he saw that the look of absolute confusion had not changed on Antonio’s face. Yet, before he could make his point clearer, Antonio seemed to slowly burst back into his usual brightness until suddenly he interrupted himself to take a deep breath. Looking at Antonio waiting for an answer Lovino had already started to regret his decision after the odd reaction that he received. Just a few moments ago he had promised himself to break whatever contact that even dared to appear between them, but instead he had just invited the librarian to actually keep it, something that the other seemed very happy with.

Even though Lovino could see that Antonio tried to keep his excitement at bay by taking that deep breath, the Italian still felt oddly excited about it as well. There was no way this was going to lead to anything though, as he was just doing his duty in helping someone get better.

“Sounds good.” Antonio replied, still smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is T_S's first chapter~ I'm sorry it took longer than expected to write... Nonetheless I hope you enjoyed it!


	3. Six and a Half Weeks Left

** Antonio's POV **

Never could Antonio have guessed that the book 1984, written by George Orwell, would help him make a friend. Since the lunch he had had with Lovino, which he personally felt embarrassed about considering his own nervous behaviour, he had gotten closer to the Italian. The two of them had met in the library more than once where Lovino had questioned him on the book, and Antonio had done his best to answer. Even though the whole situation reminded him of school, he truthfully enjoyed the time he spent with the grumpy, cold man. Slowly but surely he had learnt to analyse the book, but he had had to use a dictionary more than twenty times per page at some point. Since he didn’t have any higher education, and especially not the right education to be a librarian, the lessons he had with Lovino were well needed. Even his boss had commented on his improved language skills that had already managed to make its way into his every day speaking.

Although learning had never truly been his objective in these lessons with Lovino. During the meetings they had by any table in the library, Antonio always found himself watching the Italian more than the book. Seeing his eyes focus on the pages, seeing the thoughtful frown upon his forehead, and the slightest hint of enjoyment, it all made his day so much brighter. More and more he found Lovino to be the most handsome, and beautiful man alive. Everything about him made Antonio’s heart hammer, something that he was not used to that much. In the past he had had relationships, but none of them made him feel so bright, so colourful. There were no doubts about the fact that he had gotten himself a crush on the cute Italian, something that he was not very happy with. Crushes never ended well. Especially not when the one you have fallen for obviously could never feel the same as they were so clearly straight. Yet, in a way, Antonio wanted to keep hoping that their friendship would one day develop into something deeper as he was so tired of being lonely.

As the days passed into weeks, the two of them gradually grew closer. From being nothing but a mere moment to study together, it seemed as if the two of them finally trusted each other. He had noticed how Lovino seemed to be more relaxed around him, and he had taken those few moments to his heart. Occasionally when they were sitting, reading, Antonio could ask Lovino something he did not understand, and the other would lean closer to read what he pointed out. Each time his heart hammered madly as the Italian’s sweet scent drifted towards him when he was so close, just inches away. Their shoulders brushed together, and though it was such an innocent thing, Antonio truly cherished these moments. In a way, it was proof that they had grown closer despite how Lovino still showed such a cold façade.

“You are so trying to get into his pants!” the raspy, loud voice interrupted Antonio’s thoughts and was followed by a softer chuckle that despite being teasing had a hint of hesitation hidden within. It was Gilbert and Francis, his two best friends and companions. They had known each other for years and considering all they had gone through, it was not weird that they still kept in contact despite their different lives. Gilbert was a freelancing photographer that mostly earned money playing the guitar at different pubs, while Francis was the son of a rich family whom escaped his responsibilities in the beds of countless ladies. Together they were the trio that wanted to escape the world, and had in a way helped each other find it again. If it weren’t for the two dorks in front of him, Antonio would have been someone completely different this day.

“What?!” Antonio exclaimed and waved with his hands wildly as a soft blush now glowed warmly on his cheeks. The two others knew of Lovino since he had long ago told them of the pretty boy he saw between the shelves of the library. Of course they also knew that the Italian was now helping him, and that he was more interested in the boy than the book he read. They also knew what progress he had actually done compared to his time in school where the teachers were scared of him. Without a doubt, they knew Antonio through and through. “T-That would never happen! He doesn’t see me like that…” he had to add, though this time sounding more disappointed.

Nothing had happened between Antonio and Lovino. Growing closer as they had, he knew now more than ever that the other was not interested in him. Sure, he was blushing on many occasions, especially if he noticed how close they were to each other. Else than that, there was nothing between them, and that hurt. It always hurt.

“Are you completely sure that he isn’t interested?” Francis spoke in his soft voice, his eyes filled with concern as he held a cup of coffee in his hands. The rich scent of the coffee filled Antonio’s apartment, and it made him once again think of the lunch he had eaten with Lovino. How could a scent remind him of that? Just thinking about it made his blush deepen, and he cleared his throat slightly.

“He’s so obviously straight, and I am too gay for my own good!” Antonio whined loudly and buried his burning face in his hands to collect his thoughts, “Seriously, I have even seen him flirt with some nice girls!”

No matter how much he tried to keep himself grounded, there was no way he could help himself from aching each and every time he saw Lovino throwing a smile at a lady. When Lovino was with him, he barely smiled and simply grumbled at his incompetence even when Antonio tried his hardest to make him smile. Instead he got an insult thrown in his face, or was absolutely ignored. Quickly he shook his head to rid himself off the heavy thoughts as they were too painful to share on the bright morning that the three of them had decided to spend together. After all, it was unusual for the other two to be up before way past lunchtime.

Suddenly Francis sighed heavily, and as Antonio looked up to meet his friends’ eyes once again, he noticed that both of them wore a serious expression. Usually Francis was the one to keep the seriousness and never Gilbert whom goofed around even when he wasn’t supposed to. Just seeing them like that filled him with unease, and he frowned deeply. “What?” he asked and noticed how the other two were throwing glances at each other.

“Toni, mon ami…” Francis started hesitantly, the concern in his eyes now glowing clearer only to make Antonio feel even more anxious. Why did they look like that all of a sudden? “Are you sure this thing you have with the Italian is such a good idea?” the Frenchman continued slowly, “You know what happened the last time you were in a relationship…”

Before Antonio had the chance to react to that odd statement, Gilbert quickly spoke up. Even his red eyes seemed to be as anxious as the Spaniard felt himself. “Yeah! We don’t want you to get hurt again, y’know!” he said and even his usual raspy voice seemed much softer as to match the caring look on his pale face. “You have a job now and a life! Like, I get how it is having crushes and such, but… Man… Nothing good comes from having a violent crush on someone and… Yeah… ‘Specially not someone who’s so uninterested in you like that…”

As the silence fell between them, Antonio could do nothing else but stare at the others in shock. Of all the things they could have said, they said something about the past he always tried to avoid thinking of. The many years he had lost because he had not known that he had a choice. All he had done was try to survive, and in that he managed to get hurt. Again he found himself shaking his head to somehow stop thinking, stop remembering times he wanted forgotten. Always he tried to convince himself that he had gotten over what had happened and whom he had been. Bringing the subject up now almost made him feel nauseous.

“I’m not like that anymore!” he said quickly as to try to convince his friends that he was alright even when his stomach kept hurting, “You know that! I’m not a scary man anymore, and I know that I don’t have a chance with Lovi! So… I won’t get hurt because all I want is friendship! Compared to how I was then!”

Somehow, he managed to smile despite the memories that tried to surface, and just letting himself shine seemed to work. The two in front of him still seemed hesitant, but with the smile and his words they seemed a bit more relaxed. Good, Antonio thought distantly.

“I hope that you know what you’re running into… I know that you’re better now than then, but you’re also softer…” Francis ended up sighing as he took yet another sip off his coffee and instead smiled his typical, teasing smirk, “If you do feel lonely, though, my bed is open~”

At that ridiculous comment, both Antonio and Gilbert burst into laughter. The tension that had just filled the air around them seemed to dissolve with the bright sound of laughter. Just imagining sleeping in Francis’s silk sheets, and even having sex was absolutely hilarious to Antonio. Especially considering the fact that they knew Francis, they knew that he was actually a romantic dork that longed for so much more than a mere one night stand. Hearing him speak like that simply reminded them of the role he tried so hard to play. Some girls, and boys, did like that personality, though.

“Oh, bro, no, please!” Gilbert were the first one to be able to breathe and once again his voice had returned to its usual loud self. Gasping for breath, Antonio eventually managed to stop as well and was happy to notice that everyone had finally stopped looking worried. If they continued like that, he wouldn’t have known what to do considering his own inability to handle his old self. All he wanted, and needed now was his friends happiness, and just the three of them enjoying some quality time.

“We don’t want to relive that one time when we were all totes wasted in London!” Gilbert continued, “I can’t ever forget your fucking outfit! Where the fuck did you even get that Japanese school girl uniform from?! We were in England!”

Seeming to be offended by the comment Gilbert made, Francis gasped dramatically. “Excuse me!” he said, blinking, “I was completely magical! I fit every outfit, and the school uniform was very fashionable! Besides, you shouldn’t say anything! You wore crocks when we were in the Louvre!”

As Gilbert and Francis continued bickering about old, happy memories, Antonio could simply watch them with a soft chuckle. They were right when they said that he would only get hurt if he continued, and that he was bad at handling such things. Yet, he couldn’t just give up on Lovino. Being around him made him so incredibly happy, and fighting to one day see him genuinely smile, it was all something worth the pain. Even with his crush and the inevitable heartbreak, he wanted to be by the Italian’s side. From where this desire came from, he did not know, but he knew for certain that Lovino hadn’t pushed him away yet.

As long as Lovino didn’t distance himself even more, Antonio could handle anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading!  
> Sorry for the serious slow build, but with chapter 5 things will surely escalate!~  
> Please leave feedback!


	4. Four and a Half Weeks Left

As time flew by the days grew shorter and it would be completely dark already around 6pm. However, Lovino’s work schedule didn’t take that in account. With a heavy sigh, Lovino threw himself into his bed. An irritating interrogator who asked worthless questions had kept the Italian stuck at work for much longer than he found necessary. Just when the thought that he would be allowed to leave, he was forced to wait even longer to be introduced to an investigator he was to assist in her work. His brother had tried to call him earlier as well to ask if he wanted to come over for dinner, but since his phone was off during interrogation, his brother had already eaten with someone else. Therefore, not only did the Italian have a headache from work, but he was hungry as well.

Staring up at the ceiling with his head resting in his hands, he thought back at what happened earlier the same day. Today had actually been a rather special day, because they had finished all the work and analyses of 1984. At first, the Italian had thought of congratulating Antonio. Lovino never did. He decided that it was ridiculous to say something that sounded like the other had actually accomplished something when he had just finished a book he as a librarian should have already done anyway.

He had spent almost an hour together with Antonio that day in the library discussing the ending of 1984, and when they were done with that he just casually enjoyed Antonio’s presence. Lovino hadn’t said much then and instead sorted to listening to Antonio’s calm voice when he spoke while pretending to be caught up in a book. To his frustration he had been forced to leave because of urgent business at work where he was needed. It had irritated him to be interrupted like that when he thought he was clear for the day. Nonetheless, he couldn’t really ignore work. No matter how bothersome.

Lovino’s hand moved and it wasn’t until it touched his cheek that he realised it had. The gentle touch against his skin brought him back to what had happened earlier today just as he was forced to leave the library. If he had only been strong enough to leave without a word.

With a sigh, he had handed over his copy of the book that he had borrowed from the library so Antonio could check it off. An, in Lovino’s opinion, slightly awkward atmosphere could be felt between them. None of them had known what would happen with their newly found friendship. Had it been something that would come to an end at the same time as they finished the book? Had Lovino really enjoyed spending time with Antonio? He had, after all, already a bothersome, clueless person in his life in the form of his brother. For all Lovino knew Antonio might find him cold and boring like most people and be happy that their reason for meeting was gone.

Focusing on the book and clutching his hand, not daring to look at the Spaniard directly, the beep sound of the small machine scanning the book had suddenly felt depressing. “Well, good work today. Next time check the words you do not understand instead of giving up.” Lovino had said. When a reply never came, he had turned around and headed for the exit. Without knowing why it had felt like he was forgetting or even losing something. The weight of the book he usually carried in his hands every time he walked out from the library hadn’t been there. But, for some reason he hadn’t been able to understand and still didn’t something heavier than any book he had read was weighing him down. 

Just as he had placed his hand on the cold door handle, he had heard quick footsteps and turned around just to see Antonio looking at him puzzled. “Next time?” The Spaniard asked with his voice filled with hope. Lovino had quickly understood that the other male had misinterpreted what he said when meant the next time. Because Lovino meant the next time Antonio read a book, not the next time he would help him. Lovino had not planned to do it again since it just took a lot of his time without him getting something in return. However, seeing Antonio’s bright and hopeful eyes the Italian's heart had started to hurt.

“Yeah, next time. I can't let such an uneducated librarian walk around.” Lovino had barely been able to finish before he felt someone’s arms tight around him. He had been able to feel the brown locks tickle his nose and warm skin against his check. Frozen in place the Italian had been unable to answer the hug. Just when he understood what was happening and before he almost leant into the embrace, Antonio had pulled away still with his hands on Lovino’s shoulders. Lovino could hear his own heartbeat. He was used to having Antonio close when they were reading together, but never had the Spaniard thrown himself at him like he had done now. Carefully Lovino had lifted his head to look at Antonio like he just now got control of his body. Lovino had seen not so surprisingly Antonio smiling brightly. But, it hadn’t been big or dorky. Lovino had judged it as a more of joyous relief like the Italian had just lifted something heavy from his shoulders.

“Of course you wouldn’t. Sorry about that.” Antonio had said as his hands left Lovino’s shoulder, and in the Italian’s opinion, pulled away all the warmth around him as well. Nonetheless, even though the air felt cold, the skin recently exposed to Antonio’s was burning. He hadn’t been able to understand why, and he still didn’t. He knew he had very cold skin, but the burning sensation was just ridiculous. Antonio’s words had also confused him. He did not know if he apologised for suddenly hugging him or because he needed Lovino’s help with book analysing.

Now when Lovino thought about it he was more used to people apologising compared to thanking him. ´Sorry to bother you´, ´I apologise for calling you in so tight´, ´I hope I didn’t waste your time´. Most probably it was because the aura he emitted, since he never really tried to befriend someone from his work so his co-workers probably just found that more fitting. But this was not work, it wasn’t something he was forced to do, so hearing Antonio apologise for it had felt wrong. “Don’t apologise. I wouldn’t help you if I only found it a waste of time anyways.” He had said while he took a stronger grip on his messenger bag. “Ciao…”

Before having time to regret what he had said, he was out of the door. Before it had closed behind him he could hear Antonio shouting after him, “See you!”. With a sigh Lovino had hurried down the street not daring to look behind him until he came far enough to be unable to see the library he just had left. His plan to leave Antonio behind and move on with his life had failed miserably and he understood that even more of his time would be wasted at the clueless librarian. To his own surprise, he realised that he didn’t really mind. Instead, his hand moved to his cheek were the touch of Antonio’s cheek lingered. It had still been warm.

It was still warm.

Lovino pushed away his own hand like it had burned him and sat up. He considered what he wanted to do now. First step was probably to eat something. His stomach growled in agreement and he moved his hand to place it over it. Gripping his T-shirt, he felt the soft fabric between his fingers. Just as he was about to get lost in his thoughts again his phone vibrated furiously in his pocket. As he picked it up a bright picture of his brother when they were younger appeared. He hit the green icon and put the phone to his ear.

“Ciao Feliciano... ----- 

No, no, don’t worry about it, there is nothing wrong with eating with someone else for a change……………. 

In a week you say…. 

I am really sorry, I have other plans that day……… 

No! It’s not a date. It’s work related…

If I really was dating someone you would have already figured it out…

Si. If I wasn’t working I would come. But there is nothing to do about that now. I’ll see if I can make it in time or not. Don’t count on it.

Yeah yeah… Don’t you have homework to do or something?

Go finish that then and stop being lazy.

Mm… See you tomorrow.

Buonanotte.

Mm, yeah yeah. Same.”

With a sigh he put the phone back into his pocket and scratched the back of his head. His brother could really be a pain in the ass but at least he cared about him and Lovino cared about him as well. Opening the freezer, he decided to just to heat some leftovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry this chapter took so long to write! I hope you'll still enjoy it! Thank you for reading!
> 
> /Tiny_Spirit


	5. Three and a Half Weeks Left

**Antonio's POV**

Once again he was surrounded by the heavy beats of a base, and the voices of a crowd. Music drifted out from the speakers, and the guitar ripped the air apart with its chords. In a way, it was satisfying to hear it, to feel the rhythm in his body move him to the music. This was the feeling Gilbert brought to everyone once he was on stage, and Antonio always loved being a part of it. Especially considering the fact that he was being moral support to the German man on stage, something that made him ooze with a pride for the skilled musician on stage.

Suddenly he felt the weight of a soft hand on his shoulder and he turned around. In the midst of the moving bodies, Francis stood. With his blond, long hair, and white shirt, he looked so much different compared to the dark clothed youths around them. The bar Gilbert was playing at tonight was one for the youngsters of the city. It had theme nights so that everyone felt that they had a bar to go to no matter their music taste, so that everyone had somewhere they felt like they belonged. In a way, it took care of younger people in a way Antonio had wished someone would have taken care of him all those years ago when he had had nowhere to go. Yet, tonight, it was Metal Night for the younger people within drinking age, and Francis did not belong.  
    “Want to get off the dancefloor?” Antonio barley heard Francis’s voice through the music, but nodded either way. It was starting to get too crowded as more and more jumped up to dance, to let themselves go to the music Gilbert played. Since everyone was in the age for drinking, alcohol was served at the bar, and many had been drinking a considerable amount. The air was thick with excitement, something that Antonio could understand was the reason for Francis’s discomfort. Quickly they managed to squeeze themselves through the crowd, away from the bright, colourful spotlights that pierced their eyes.  

With a sigh, the two of them fell down into a booth in a more quiet side of the bar. Hopefully, Gilbert would find them when he finally got off the stage, Antonio thought distantly with a feeling of guilt within his heart. In a way, he was worried that leaving like this would be seen as rude, and not as an act of kindness towards the Frenchman. As the silence stretched on, he decided to be the first one to speak. “Is this party life becoming too much for you?” he teased softly, a bright smile playing on his lips as his hair hung in his eyes. With a swift movement of his hand, he brushed away his fringe only to notice the odd look within his friend’s eyes. Why did Francis look so anxious?

“Non! It’s just been a long day!” the blond man replied with an uncertain, shifting look within his eyes. Again, Antonio felt concerned and frowned just softly. “Really, don’t worry about it! Instead, tell me how it is between Lovino and yourself nowadays!”

By the mention of Lovino’s name, Antonio found himself blushing despite the odd aura that came from Francis. Just thinking back, seeing the Italian before his eyes made him smile widely. Oh, how he missed that adorable face and his sweet voice that had such certainty within it. Forgetting about his concerns from earlier, he decided to finally tell Francis the great news.

“It’s going awesomely~” he started, and his smile was bright as he spoke, “Even better than you think! You know how he helped me reading that old book?”. Francis nodded and Antonio continued. “Well, we finished analysing it just recently, and I thought that everything was over! After all, Lovi never seemed to want to be with me and stuff, so I was all sad when he was returning the book… Then, all of a sudden, he gave me a tip on what to do next time. And I’m like ‘next time?’, and I understood then that I was going to keep helping me! So, we still meet up, though this time with a new book! He’s my friend now!”

As Antonio finished his story with his smile still as warm and his eyes shining with the same excitement, he noticed that the anxious look upon Francis’s face had disappeared. Instead, he was smiling so softly as if he, too, was glad for the turn of events.

Before any of them could say something more, Gilbert suddenly swept down into the seat next to Antonio with his breath still heavy after his performance. The warmth that radiated from the male brushed against him, tightly followed by the smell of beer and cigarettes. Despite knowing this man for years, he had never really understood how he always smelled like that no matter what he did, yet he did not hate it. If he was honest with himself, Gilbert’s smell made him feel happy as it reminded him of the good times that had been, and the fact that everyone can change their life for the better.

“What are ye guys talking about?” Gilbert asked, looking between the two already seated with his smile almost as bright as the Spaniard’s. Playing music always made him shine hours after the actual performance as it lingered within him just like his unquenchable need for attention.

“Antonio here just told me that he and Lovino are still going on with their book sessions~” Francis was the one who ended up replying, but Antonio was quick in nodding. There was no way he wouldn’t tell Gilbert the fantastic news after all.

“Sì, sì!” Antonio exclaimed, waving wildly with his arms as to express the joy that burned within him. He always enjoyed talking about Lovino as it made it clear that it was real, that Lovino was actually a person in his life that brought in a new kind of warmth he had longed for. “It’s not over yet and I’m just so happy!” he exclaimed, and Gilbert laughed at his happy expression.

“I’m glad to hear that, bro!” the reply was bright, but his expression soon faded just slightly into one of mild concern. “Everyone seems to find someone recently…  Even my lil Luddy is going out with someone! Sure, he’s denying it and all, but it’s obvious! I have seen him blushing! BLUSHING!”

Both Antonio and Francis gasped at the new information they got from Gilbert. To hear that Ludwig, the all too serious workaholic, had found someone he loved, it was quite shocking. Yet, compared to Francis, Antonio’s look of surprise soon turned into one of happiness once again. Perhaps Ludwig was too formal, but finding love could help him see beyond the square world he lived within.

Before he could express his curiosity, Francis shot a question at Gilbert about who it might be, and before he knew it, they were in a wild discussion. Theories as to who this person could be was shared between the two, and Antonio had no chance of sticking in a comment. Not when they were that excited at least. Instead, he decided that he would go out and take a smoke. Even though smoking did remind him of his bad years, it still calmed him down so stopping had been way more difficult than continuing. Instead, he smoked only when he was out drinking with the others and when he knew that the familiar taste of the cigarette would not make the memories resurface.

The air was cold against his skin as he finally stood outside in the dark evening. Despite the time being close to midnight, the streets were busy, and filled with bright light. In one way the view was calming to know that silence would never be forever, but at the same time it made his stomach stir with the familiar feeling of bad nostalgia. Suddenly, he spotted a familiar face in the mass of people. The skin seemed paler in the neon light, but there was no doubt who it was.

Lovi! Antonio wanted to shout, yet his voice stuck in his throat. The excitement seemed to freeze within him into a ball of anxiety that weighed him down, made his hands shiver where he stood.  
    In front of Lovino was a woman. Her long black hair, her soft make-up, she was truly beautiful where she stood, smiling. Even Lovino smiled as they casually talked, and Antonio felt his heart breaking. The bad feeling of nostalgia within his stomach had vanished to be replaced with an aching pain. All he could do was watch them, see them interact while he stood there, alone. What had he been thinking of? Why had he been wishing for something more when it was obviously unattainable? Only now he realised that all that had been happening thus far had only increased his hope for this friendship of his turning into something more. When had his intentions changed so drastically?

A scream wanted to escape him, wreck his throat with its force. Yet, he could not let this happen, not at all. He had to forget about his feelings, and his wished for everything he had fought for could be lost. Quickly he hurried inside and sat down by the bar, ordering his first drink of the evening. In his desire to forget, he drowned his sorrow with alcohol. In the midst of his drunken state, he did something he would regret the next morning. Something absolutely idiotic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens~  
> I hope you're enjoying the story thus far!  
> From here, the angst starts!  
> Thank you for reading!  
> -YMR


	6. Three Weeks Left

Lovino blew carefully on the spoon before tasting the hot tomato sauce. Finally being satisfied with his work he put on a timer to let it simmer for a few more minutes. The fragrance had long ago spread through his flat. As he took a deep breath to take the calming atmosphere in, he also brushed his hand through his hair. It was still slightly damp and tangled after a shower he took earlier. Knowing that his brother would be here soon, he knew he had to fix that sooner rather than later.

Just when he started to think about when his brother would knock on the door, Lovino’s phone made a sound. Checking it, he saw that Feliciano had sent him a message that he was on his way. But he also noticed something else. He had a missed call from the night before. The caller was no one else than Antonio and he had also left a voicemail. Slightly confused, he put the message on speaker after fetching a comb.

_“Lovi, my dear, why aren’t you answering your phone? Are you busy? Are you working? God, I miss hearing your voice...”_ Lovino would recognise Antonio's voice anywhere, even if he was slurring, disturbed by loud noises in the background, and speaking Spanish. Antonio paused as he chuckled slightly, and when he continued, the slur in his voice grew worse, tainted by an odd heaviness. _“That’s kinda funny, right? That I miss you? I shouldn’t be, and I know it… But, you… You are just so precious. You might try to be all grump and strict and shit, but I bet there are times when you are happy. I wanna see you happy. Fuck, I wanna make you happy”._ The noises from the other side of the phone grew louder and Antonio’s voice kept growing steadily more unsteady, making it harder to distinguish certain words. His voice was now quieter, almost sombre. _“Y’know, I’m pretty fucking ridiculous. I’m at some stupid bar, drinking with my friends and the only thing I can think about is you… I think I love you… We met just a few weeks ago, but I do really think I love you… Is that weird? Is it weird that I feel this way? I don’t know… I – …”_

_**Beeeeep** _

Somewhere in the middle Lovino’s heart had probably stopped. Leaning with both of his hands on the kitchen table, staring down, he had a hard time knowing how to react or feel. It was obvious that Antonio was drunk and the sound in the background meant he was in a crowded space. Neither of it was comforting. The Italian had never really seen Antonio more than a little tipsy so he wondered how much truth and exaggerations there was in this message. But, then he had only ever seen Antonio as a truthful person and him being anything else even when drunk was hard for Lovino to believe. Antonio also sounded so sad, painfully so and it definitely didn’t help the aching that started to build up in Lovino’s heart.

If Lovino was to believe Antonio’s slurring words, what was he to do with it? Having feelings or a relationship with anyone was something he had never really thought about, ever. He was not a virgin and had been thinking about how it would be having a family of his own, but this was a whole other thing. His heart was definitely beating and that was hard. If it weren’t for the timer, he would probably have been standing there until Feliciano arrived.

There had been no point earlier in his life were he wished that he didn’t understand Spanish, but he did now. Neither had there been any point in his life were he regretted learning the language so that he could widen his worth as an interpreter. But now he wished that it could just sound like a bunch of drunken gibberish.

It was a miracle that he was able to continue with the meal. Nonetheless, when he heard the buzz from the doorbell, he had just finished setting the table. The last thing he wanted right now was to open the door, because he knew what was waiting on the other side. Lovino knew exactly how their meetings usually played out. When his brother arrived he would always throw himself at Lovino and hug him like they hadn't seen each other for years. While eating his brother would complement the food, but also give constructive criticism. Even if they had varied interests, their shared interest in food and cooking often led to a lot of discussion around that particular subject. Feliciano was always happy to share everything that was happening in his life, but was also very interested in knowing every single detail in Lovino’s. So much for privacy.

Opening the door he was greeted by a smiling Feliciano. The younger Italian calmly embraced his brother in a big hug. “Brother~ I missed you!” Hearing Feliciano speak Italian, his native language was something Lovino enjoyed severely. Living in a city that forced him to speak English, a language that was not his own, made it feel so foreign in a way even though he lived there. Instead, his brother's voice gave a comfortable feeling of belonging and home. Not that it helped now. Italian suddenly sounded all too much like Spanish.

In a way he felt bad, because he was aware that he was not going to be able to deal with his brother’s high energy. All he needed was to be alone, to think, to figure out what the fuck he was supposed to do now. Not having Feliciano over, whom continuously questioned everything and everyone. Lovino was at least happy that he hadn't mentioned Antonio to him, which meant his name wouldn't be brought up. If it had been, he wasn't sure he would be able to keep himself in check.

After Lovino put the food down on the table, they both occupied themselves with the meal for a while, which at least the older of the two brothers was extremely grateful for.

“How did the art exhibition go?” Lovino had never really understood Feliciano’s passion for animation, but he still wanted to support his younger brother. He felt a bit guilty about letting work come between such an important date, like the art exhibition, for him. Or he had been feeling guilty about it until just recently when it felt like his life was cast overboard by a single voice message. At this point he just spoke because it was necessary and not because he wanted to. “I'm so sorry for missing it.”

“Oh.” Feliciano looked up from his plate, seeming almost surprised at being asked a question. “It's okay, I know work is important to you. It went great! I got compliments and feedback from lots of different people. There was also this one little girl who I even managed to make laugh.” Although he spoke cheerfully, the smile didn't quiet reach his eyes. Lovino assumed that he must be tired, yesterday had been a long day for him as well. It looked like he hadn't had too many hours of sleep either.

“That's nice to hear. I'll make sure to come next time.” It was a promise he wasn't sure if he could keep or not. He wasn't really doing great as a supportive brother. Lovino half expected his brother to push him further, make him actually promise. To his surprise Feliciano didn't do that. If he was satisfied with his older brother’s response, he wasn't going to complain. 

“Was Blondy there?” He wasn’t too much of a fan of his brother meeting the guy, he was too strict and stiff. Lovino knew it would at least make his younger brother happy if he had gone to the exhibition.

“Yeah!” Lovino could swear something painful passed over Feliciano’s face, but it was gone so fast that he was almost certain he had imagined it.

The rest of the meal went by with a little of actual talking. And the little they said, was mostly small talk, something to say when the silence became too much to handle. Even as they finished and Feliciano got ready to leave, their goodbyes was lacklustre. After closing the door behind him, the only thing he could see was his brother’s red tinted eyes. As his steps faded away and Lovino once more was alone, someone completely else was on his mind.

“I need a shower..,” he said to no-one, an attempt to cover up the emptiness for just a little while longer.

Even though his hair had barely dried from his last one, he slammed the bathroom door behind him. Desperately, he took off his clothes and threw them on the floor. Lovino let the water pour over him. He felt absolutely disgusting. The tension that had built up during the lunch had taken root in his muscles and in his mind.

He could see Antonio in front of him, smiling oh so innocently. He could hear him laugh, that kind of amazing laugh that just shook your very being. The laugh slowly twisted into the drunk slurring Spanish he had just heard. Lovino was an idiot for continuing to meet up with him. There was no way he would be interested in a relationship with anyone anyways. He had his work to think of and his brother. His brother... God... Feliciano had looked horrible and he had done nothing to try and help him. He was too fucking occupied with some dumb librarian to properly help his own flesh and blood. Lovino couldn't do that anymore.

He knew what the most responsible thing to do was. He just... There was no way he could face Antonio right now. First of all, he had no clue what to say. Until he figured that out, he would need to stall for time.

He was unsure of how long he stood there. No matter how many times he washed himself, he never felt clean. In the end, he had to give up. Walking out of the shower he wrapped a towel around himself. If he saw his own red tinted eyes as he passed the mirror, he pretended that he hadn't noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long overdue but not forgotten!  
> The angst is starting now get ready.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> T_S


End file.
